the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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