It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
