So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize