just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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