Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
