the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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