Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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