I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
