I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
