2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm like, not good at living.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
