so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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