y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
