A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
