It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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