I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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