Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
