my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Mom said you looked used
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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