dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
