Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
