hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
