how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
