Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
