My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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