My underwear smells like fireworks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
