Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
