Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
