I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
