fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
