yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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