But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
