you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
