I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
