Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is Oprah even human
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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