he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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