we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
