I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
