I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
