Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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