That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
