I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
there is glitter all over my balls
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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