I love black thongs
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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