Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize