are you so shy because you have an std?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
