So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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