those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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