he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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