Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
