I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
