I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
