Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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