I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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