i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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