I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Two words: nipple clamps
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