The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
