New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
