hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize