I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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