If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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