You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
