I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
