I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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